There is a fight I have to fight before, to be able to start in a clean atmosphere, and I'll need power to make it.
Two weeks ago I discovered EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique. Well, did I say two weeks ago? Actually I got in touch with it, when I was panicking about my former boyfriends psychosis, which was most likely reactive to a huge trauma. I was searching for a matching therapy then and read some interesting books and articles. I remember the book talking about great success with traumatized children of the war in Bosnia. However my ex boyfriend wasn't open for help and I split up, when I felt I'm gonna be as crazy as him in short time. I did a psychotherapy after a while. I consider it as successful, as it opened me a world to an awesome light life, I've never felt before. I learned to live closer to my emotions, to tell my friends about my feelings and not always being the nice girl.
I started crying about what has happened to us. And to enjoy life as a single after 11 years of relationship (9 out of it very happy). I found new joys in life and I took risks I would never have taken before. When I got a deep depression and my psychologist was offering me antidepressants I discovered Bach Flower Essences and I feel so blessed that I know them. I'm sure, this awesome helpers helped me to make fast progress in my therapy and they still help me a lot when a little depression comes back.
In some matters the psychotherapy didn't help me. Maybe I felt healthy to early? Since a certain point in my therapy, I'm bad in being organized. I pack my stuff late, I'm always running to reach my train. I have huge to do lists and mostly don't do even one little thing on it, also I often tell my self nothing else than "I have to do this and that". It's like I'm totally blocked. Before I often felt a lack of energy, but that problem is totally gone since I found healing crystals a year ago. It might sound ridiculous, but it's true, they help me so good in balancing my energy, being brave, healthy, not getting depressive, digesting fat, getting over weather changes... , but the fluorite tetraeder which is said to help to get things in order doesn't bring any change.
Last year, I went to a psychological consultant to ask for help. Well, he was working on my stress level by teaching me how to tap. Unfortunately he didn't tell me that it was EFT, although I have asked him about it. He kept it as a secret and I might have gotten the appointment with him, when I was really stressed at work, so he took that situation and we didn't work on my actual much more important issue: Procrastination and laziness. I wasn't that happy with the result. Well, I wasn't so stressed about my financial situation and the crazy work level anymore, but actually that wasn't something I couldn't handle... So, I thought, I might use it again, when I feel, that I'm running a marathon.
Some days ago I stumbled upon EFT in the net, and found out, that's the same thing, I have learned for handling stress last year! The technique had a name and I knew that it even helps for heavy traumas like war and so on! So, I did some research in the web and started tapping!
Well, I can tell you, it made me successfully work longer without coffee, sweets, upcoming boringness which drives me away. I was great in focussing more and could really start the next point after one was finished - which is always my weak point. (Yes, I still supported myself by healing stones at the same time! And the healing stones have helped me to start the whole work before!) I started to tap on feelings coming up, when I was working. (Boringness, desire of rewarding of myself by having sweets during work, feeling to be too stupid to work on my indeed very energy draining work.)
But some days ago, I was thinking more deeply what it means to me to finish my work here, moving somewhere else, etc... and I wasn't doing anything successful anymore since then... My apartment is a mess again, I didn't do any focussed work, instead I cultivated a headache... I'm defining this at a little depression... Luckily only a tiny little one, but still, I'm not willing to keep it like this and harm myself, but tap it away!
So, this are my thoughts and the issues I'm tapping on.
I know, I need to be brave for the change, because I'm stuck where I am for many years already. I am not entirely happy with my situation because I'm so stucked, but somehow I'm afraid, too, and I do a lot to hold the status quo. So, I'm searching for the reasons of fear for some days now. And this is what I found out:
- The status quo might not bringing joy and happiness, but at least I know how it feels like.
- The new beginning requires braveness because I don't really know if I'll be making better than now.
I have some friends here who make my life not boring. I know friendship has nothing to do with physical distance, but I'm afraid to loose them. I've the feeling of belonging, which I was longing for since Kindergarten times. And having this friends holds me from moving the city, although I wanna make a progress in my life (with my partner, in my career.)
- I'm afraid of loosing my friends who I belong to and being an outsider again.
As my new beginning has a lot of to do with relationships, I thought about what have been my deepest traumas when it comes to love. I found out, that I'm traumatized because I've lost so many loves and friendships because they weren't brave enough to fight for me, although I have fought till end of my power for them before. And sure, I'm desperately feared, that my boyfriend will do the same to me, again. (I don't wanna loose him and the happiness I experience with him!) This is the most emotional issue I was tapping on so far. I remembered two ex boyfriends who didn't fight for me and I really start crying on it, although I thought that issues are at least only small one for me anymore! I felt so hurt! The sentence I tapped on was:
- Although he didn't fight for me... // Although I was not worthy enough for him to fight...
- Although he made me so vulnerable just to not loose his face...
I was crying and crying while I tapped. I would never have thought that I'm still so hurt!
I know, it has a lot of to do with my current love relationship. It's such a big love, but he'll need to fight, too and I somehow lost my believe that someone will fight for me.