For your new love

ALLOW it to BE HAPPY, and you'll find the way SOMEHOW.
Don't talk about its end as long at it IS.

LOVE let you grow WINGS, feeds you, warms you, accompanies you, and brings you everywhere you want to go.

There is nothing more worth it, so NOURISH it.

I have to admit, that it didn't make us HAPPY, that I let LOVE rule my life, but I was HAPPY by my own and I'm still. That's a lot.

How old were you when you lost virginity?

This question appeared on Twitter today and I have to admit, sex sells, even to me, and so does virginity. It was Joanna Goddard who asked the audience. (Do you know her blog A cup of Jo? It is definitely one of the blogs with the most readership on earth.) I'm European, I don't have a problem with being naked on a beach, but I would definitely have a problem being asked such a question in public! Well, I just had to check back. Seems that I'm the only one! Almost 250 people have answered the question till now! And yes, I admit, I was really curios about their answers. Unbelievable, but a lot of them have waited until their wedding night! I guess, that's unbelievable for me, because I'm European, too. No, it's not, that I don't believe some orthodox religious people here around do so. I know there are. I also know there are woman in Islamic surroundings get a surgery to get their "virginity" back, and no, that doesn't always happen because they might get killed if they have lost it before their wedding night, but in some cultures the woman would simply be more honored if she's still a virgin and decides to be one in the eyes of her future husband.
Then there was this link to another article on the blog asking Would you wait kiss until your wedding day? My surprise changed into some deeper thoughts. It's still too late anyway, but I probably would have done when I look back. The point is, you (and me) can have an O... with yourself, but you can't kiss with yourself!  (Well, I'm close to 40 now and still not married, so it's good that I didn't wait. Unbelievable if I would still be unkissed!)

Früher, in der BRD da wär’ das nicht passiert!

Heute an der Nachbarkasse im Supermarkt mitten in Hamburgs schönem Stadtteil Altona. Der Wachmann hat den langweiligsten Job auf Erden. Seit dem er da steht - und das sind inzwischen mehrere Monate - wünsche ich ihm insgeheim jedes Mal wenn ich die Türe passiere, dass er bald einen Job findet, der besser ist für seine Gesundheit. Den ganzen Tag stehen tut auf Dauer nicht gut.
Während ich da an der Kasse stehe, braut sich nebenan ein Gewitter zusammen. Ich hoffe, die Frau die da brüllt: „Geh doch zurück nach Russland oder woher Du auch immer kommst!“, ist betrunken. (Angeheitert wäre hier wohl der falsche Ausdruck.)
Keiner reagiert, auch der Mann, der wohl gemeint ist antwortet nicht. Also gehen die Pöbeleien weiter. „Wo sind wir denn? Solche Leute wie Du gehören hier rausgeschmissen!“
Der Wachmann naht und zum ersten Mal sehe ich nicht nur den Migrationshintergrund sondern höre ihn auch. Mit Akzent, aber sehr bestimmt bittet er die Frau aufzuhören und droht sie aus dem Laden zu schmeißen. Als Antwort kommt: „Früher, in der BRD da wär’ das nicht passiert!“ Meine Kassiererin macht ziemlich deutlich, dass sie es lieber gesehen hätte, wenn der Wachmann nicht reagiert hätte. Ein Verkäufer naht um notfalls deeskalierend zwischen Wachmann und Kundin einzugreifen.
Irgendwie ist die Frau aber doch eingeschüchtert. Sie wettert zwar noch kurz gegen den Wachmann, doch dann dreht sie sich in meine Richtung. Unsere Augen treffen sich und ich im Gegensatz zu ihr halte ich stand. Sie sagt zu ihrem Begleiter, „Da ist noch so eine.“ Und ich frage mich, ob ich etwas zu mutig war. Jedenfalls bin ich froh schon bezahlt zu haben, während die beiden noch ein bisschen warten müssen.
Ich bin wahrscheinlich der friedliebendste Mensch in meinem gesamten Umfeld, aber es gibt genau ein Thema bei dem ich nicht anders kann als dagegen zu stehen - und das ist Rassismus. Ich vermute, das geht dem Wachmann genauso.
Wie gerne würde ich sagen, „früher, in der BRD wäre das nicht passiert!“, aber leider stimmt es nicht. Rostock Lichtenhagen war zwar gerade erst in die Demokratie geworfen, aber Mölln ist und war in Schleswig-Holstein. Es gibt jetzt Bestrebungen Diskriminierung auch im Privatrecht unter Strafe zu stellen. Eine schwieriges Unterfangen. Diskriminierung einfach so geschehen lassen ist aber auch nicht recht. Das war der Anfang, damals vor 20 Jahren, als Politiker verschiedenster (ehrbarer) Parteien dachten, sie könnten mithilfe von Diskriminierung die nächsten Wahlen gewinnen und deshalb die gefährlichen Wogen weiter wachsen ließen.

EFT and feeling homeless

Izziyana Suhaimi found via blog.nauli.de

A short while ago, I was thinking about procrastination or semi-depression. I've made a Flower Essence mix, which made me really feel better, but after two weeks I stopped taking it. I had a very happy private life and was distracted from the hard part of life. My old friend came over and we had one week of fun and joy. I allowed this myself, although the countdown runs and runs, planning that I will work, when I'm alone again.

But something else happened. After some days of still doing not much, beside thinking sorrowful of my upcoming move and how to organize it, I finally managed to ask my little sister to come over and drive the transporter. I actually was counting on my dad, but it turns out my parents will have guests during the time I move.
Crazy, I didn't feel better after having cleared how to move and when. Instead I started to feel deep sadness and cried for almost a week. I know, EFT and Bachflower could help me, but no Rescue Flowers in the house, as I always give them away and no power for EFT. This is a depression. I couldn't go and buy some Rescue Flower Essence!  Instead I started to think on why I'm so depressed. My friend told me, it must have to do with my not yet finished project - the always procrastinated one. I feel it has to do with the strong feeling, that I don't want to move (back) where I will move to. And sure, the feeling of failure is strongly connected with this. I would feel much better moving with a finished project in my backpack.

Because somehow my feelings are so strongly connected with the place, I was thinking about this. (Having Bach Rescue Pastilles since yesterday!)
Todays morning was actually good, but then I start tapping and I tapped:
- Even though, I don't want to live in x, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Suddenly my sentence shifted to:
- Even though, I feel homeless and I didn't manage to build my home yet, and maybe I will never be capable of building my home, ...

So, is it possible, that I procrastinate my big project since years, because at least I have something which I can call home here? It's far from perfect, but at least it is my own chosen environment. I can't defend it now. There is no way. I need to build my own new home, a better one than now, one which I really can afford.

I just realized, I've lost home so many times in my life. In my last high school years, when I realized that I wasn't really part of the people around me, when I left my ex boyfriend I somehow lost the city where I really enjoy living, when my best friend for a while decided to break with me, because his new girlfriend was jealous.

I might be over sensitive. I know. But maybe this is the real trigger of my procrastination? At least this point is strongly connected to my newly upcoming depression - and I never went deep into it in my some years ago psycho therapy.

Rainbow flourite has done it again!

I have spent my first night since ages sleeping on a carpet. It is reminding me on my promise that I want to remain flexible in life and independend... Well, wether my bones just don't know about my promise from 20 years ago or I'm just becoming old, I slept deep, but I was suffering my worst back pain ever the next morning. Don't get me wrong, it was totally worth the revival of highschool times!
When I came home the next evening, I took my rainbow fluorite and also slept on it. I slept so deep... and the next morning I was just so fine! All back pain was gone. No sports and no massage. Even not a hot shower. The stone has fixed it! Other experiences with the amazing fluorite are here.

Procrastination or semi- depression II - so which flower essences, which healing crystals?

After my last text about my current status of semi-depression or procrastination,  I really looked up my collection of healing crystals. As I take them without reading before now, and my  body tells me to take quite a lot, I now have a lot of stones in my bra ;). I'm pretty sure, most of them are indicated because of my unhealthy diet over the last 10 days...
But let's see:

• Aquamarine (my allergy crystal, as I just successfully tapped against my peach allergy, this could 
• Rubin Fuchsit Disthen
• Chalcedony (not a surprise... this stone is always indicated if my body has to deal with too much sugar)
• Magnesite 
• Sardonyx

I have searched the internet and read about the healing crystals at ruebe-zahl.de/. Magnesite is my stone if I eat too fat, but as I just found out it should help to relax at the emotional side. Aquamarin, Rubin Fuchsit Disthen and Sardonyxs should all help with depression and Sardonyx helps with fear of the unknown and to grieve. 

As I always believe that my more-than-procrastination-problem has to do with what has happened in the past, I gonna try to grieve with EFT again. Won't be that easy, as I have worked on this in a three year psychotherapy...

Then I checked my flower essences. My body indicated the following flower essences of FES Californian Flower Essence:

Pink Yarrow was "my" flower essence some time ago. It is for people who tend to help others more than themselves and feel others pain too deep. It's interesting, that now, in my state of (semi-) depression, where I actually don't deal with this actually very deeply rooted problem as I don't care of anyone, but also don't care of myself it comes up again. I had gotten my former depression because of a burn out in being for someone else. Forgetting myself and just living for others is definitely one maybe the most unhealthy tendency of mine. Although I have learned to deal with it and (mostly) withdraw myself from friendships and all relationships I consider as "dangerous" in this case, I still feel, that I'm not strong enough to go a middle way. I mostly withdraw myself completely or give completely. This dilemma makes me very unhappy from time to time. And I just remember, that it brought me into a similar status like I have know very often. Well, this time, the trigger was something else.
Yarrow is also for the one with a deep bleeding wound. Something I experienced when I got depressive years ago.


Sealf Heal is a flower essence if someone lost the belief in himself. I would say, that's what happened to me. I gave up and didn't do something to make me feel better for almost two weeks!


Tansy had once catched my eye because of this text. The woman who tells her story said about this flower essence "Emotional overwhelm is a real issue for me. And this phrase has really stuck in my head — "they energetically downshift as an avoidance mechanism for emotional coping and distancing." I often feel that depression IS an energetic downshift. You do it because you can't handle the feeling. So I have found Tansy is remarkable". That's exactly what I think. 


Then from the classic Bach Flower Essences (I use Healing Herbs)

• Sweet Chestnut (Depression, Feeling that there is no way out, fear of new beginning)
• Holly (Frustration, Fear of getting cheated)
• Agrimony (don't show what's inside of me - well, I think if I would, I would know what's my problem now)
• Centaury (always want to help others, the wish of others is stronger than my own)
• Wild Oat (Crisis, lost of orientation, don't know how to change)

And Apple of Findhorn Essences (should help to set goals and reach them)

and Date of Spirit in Nature Essences (easily irritated, unpleasant to be around; inhospitality) 

So, as Centaury and Pink Yarrow are both for people who take others as more important as themselves, I decide to take only Pink Yarrow. The additional aspect of being wounded seems to be interesting here.


----


When I wanted to take it, I realized, that it was my first time I wanted to take Date. Although the bottle had shown me, that I need it, it was empty! It wasn't sealed properly. Quite disappointing as I've ordered this one directly from the US. 

Colors for a home by Rie Elise Larsen

I really should be busy doing something else, but I don't. • Instead I found the colorful collection of Rie Elise Larsen. I love especially their boxes! It reminds me on the paper things from Nauli.

Eigentlich sollte ich etwas ganz anderes tun. • Stattdessen habe ich die farbenfrohe Kollektion von Rie Elise Larsen gefunden. V. a. ihre Schachteln haben es mir angetan. Sie erinnern mich an die Papiersachen von Nauli.