Procrastination or semi- depression II - so which flower essences, which healing crystals?

After my last text about my current status of semi-depression or procrastination,  I really looked up my collection of healing crystals. As I take them without reading before now, and my  body tells me to take quite a lot, I now have a lot of stones in my bra ;). I'm pretty sure, most of them are indicated because of my unhealthy diet over the last 10 days...
But let's see:

• Aquamarine (my allergy crystal, as I just successfully tapped against my peach allergy, this could 
• Rubin Fuchsit Disthen
• Chalcedony (not a surprise... this stone is always indicated if my body has to deal with too much sugar)
• Magnesite 
• Sardonyx

I have searched the internet and read about the healing crystals at ruebe-zahl.de/. Magnesite is my stone if I eat too fat, but as I just found out it should help to relax at the emotional side. Aquamarin, Rubin Fuchsit Disthen and Sardonyxs should all help with depression and Sardonyx helps with fear of the unknown and to grieve. 

As I always believe that my more-than-procrastination-problem has to do with what has happened in the past, I gonna try to grieve with EFT again. Won't be that easy, as I have worked on this in a three year psychotherapy...

Then I checked my flower essences. My body indicated the following flower essences of FES Californian Flower Essence:

Pink Yarrow was "my" flower essence some time ago. It is for people who tend to help others more than themselves and feel others pain too deep. It's interesting, that now, in my state of (semi-) depression, where I actually don't deal with this actually very deeply rooted problem as I don't care of anyone, but also don't care of myself it comes up again. I had gotten my former depression because of a burn out in being for someone else. Forgetting myself and just living for others is definitely one maybe the most unhealthy tendency of mine. Although I have learned to deal with it and (mostly) withdraw myself from friendships and all relationships I consider as "dangerous" in this case, I still feel, that I'm not strong enough to go a middle way. I mostly withdraw myself completely or give completely. This dilemma makes me very unhappy from time to time. And I just remember, that it brought me into a similar status like I have know very often. Well, this time, the trigger was something else.
Yarrow is also for the one with a deep bleeding wound. Something I experienced when I got depressive years ago.


Sealf Heal is a flower essence if someone lost the belief in himself. I would say, that's what happened to me. I gave up and didn't do something to make me feel better for almost two weeks!


Tansy had once catched my eye because of this text. The woman who tells her story said about this flower essence "Emotional overwhelm is a real issue for me. And this phrase has really stuck in my head — "they energetically downshift as an avoidance mechanism for emotional coping and distancing." I often feel that depression IS an energetic downshift. You do it because you can't handle the feeling. So I have found Tansy is remarkable". That's exactly what I think. 


Then from the classic Bach Flower Essences (I use Healing Herbs)

• Sweet Chestnut (Depression, Feeling that there is no way out, fear of new beginning)
• Holly (Frustration, Fear of getting cheated)
• Agrimony (don't show what's inside of me - well, I think if I would, I would know what's my problem now)
• Centaury (always want to help others, the wish of others is stronger than my own)
• Wild Oat (Crisis, lost of orientation, don't know how to change)

And Apple of Findhorn Essences (should help to set goals and reach them)

and Date of Spirit in Nature Essences (easily irritated, unpleasant to be around; inhospitality) 

So, as Centaury and Pink Yarrow are both for people who take others as more important as themselves, I decide to take only Pink Yarrow. The additional aspect of being wounded seems to be interesting here.


----


When I wanted to take it, I realized, that it was my first time I wanted to take Date. Although the bottle had shown me, that I need it, it was empty! It wasn't sealed properly. Quite disappointing as I've ordered this one directly from the US. 

Procrastination or semi-depression ?

I've loads of work to do. But since I feel a little failure two weeks ago my old problem appears. I don't do anything to get my work done. However I know, it's more than ordinary procrastination. It's not only that I don't work on important stuff or anything that could make that hill of work shorter, I eat fat and sweet, although I don't feel I wanna have it and I even feel it tastes absolutely bad. I also let my apartment to become an untidy place and don't go out to meet friends or do anything which could make me feel better like sports.
Well, in two weeks I tried 3 times to actually concentrate on my work, but that has been useless. I spent days in the office without writing one single line. I just feel I can’t concentrate.
And worst of all, I'm even too lazy to help myself. I don't look for Bachflower Essences or Healing Crystals. I also don't EFT on that problem (I tapped on another issue with great result in that time!) - Every day I don't do anything the amount of work I have to get done gets bigger and bigger.

No, it’s not that I don’t want to do anything against it. I make plans like: today I gonna tap on my lack of concentration, today I gonna tap on my bad mood, today I gonna tap on the fact that I eat food which is not good for me and I don’t like, today I gonna look for healing stones, today I gonna look for Bachflower essences, today I gonna go to gym…

And then: I’m too lazy to do. Sometimes I start and suddenly feel crazy tired.

I call this state semi-depressive. Because my behavior is similar to what it was when I was suffering from a deep depression years ago. The only difference is, that I still feel happiness, when I see my boyfriend for example, when I think on something. Happiness can be just like I just fall in love. So, I’d say, I’m not depressive.

So, before I write this, I made me a strong coffee. I did so a lot lately. And that’s pretty strange, as before I fell into this state of being I could help myself and my body with a Carneol (which actually made me work like crazy gave me so much energy until I almost couldn’t sleep anymore), I also tried EFT and it gives me so much concentration and even helps against my graving for sweets against boredom. I was so totally in my work! Until I found out, that I failed in a way. I had written a text before another text was published, but never published mine. Now there are way to many similarities… I just found out. And I have to deal with it.

So, what’s the points?

• I’m feared to fail.
• I feel I failed.
• I’m tired when I got enough sleep.
• I can’t concentrate.
• I sabotage myself by eating fat and sweet although I don’t like it and my making my environment not nice.
• I sabotage myself by not looking for a way out.
• My work feels overwhelming. But by doing nothing it’s getting more and more.

P.S. it's good to keep this blog going. I just found out that I was tapping against procrastination exactly two weeks ago. At that time it helped me so much. I really had a time where I was focussed and concentrated. Why just a little feeling of failure brings me so down?

Neuanfang? // New Beginning?

Das Spiel Prokrastinationskönigin ist eine Bachelorarbeit in Produktdesign von Anna Sommerer
gefunden auf Design made in Germany 

Seit Jahren starte ich ungefähr monatlich mindestens einen Neuanfang. Viele davon gelingen. Aber bei einer Sache stehe ich mir nach wie vor im Weg. Ich bin immer noch eine Meisterin der Prokrastination.
Auch, wenn mir manche Heilsteine ganz schön Feuer unterm Hintern machen. Dafür alle prokrastinierten Wichtigkeiten eines modernen Lebens zu erledigen hat es noch nicht gereicht. Auch mit Bachblüten und anderen Blüten Essences konnte ich meine unvorteilhafte Schwerfälligkeit nicht zu Leibe rücken...
Die Tage bin ich arbeitsbedingt auf einem interessanten Blog gelandet. Imgriff ist schon eher ein Online-Magazin als ein Blog. Und es geht um Arbeit, Organisation und Effizienz. Gesucht habe ich dort eine Alternativsoftware für Word. Ich schriebe große Dateien. Office für Mac OS ist da nicht gerade das Gelbe vom Ei. Zumindest ich habe damit ständig Ärger mit Formatierungen und außerdem stürzt es gerne mal ab und das kostet Zeit und v.a. Nerven. Am schlimmsten ist es, wenn wichtige Gedanken dann nochmal gedacht werden müssen... Also auf Imgriff habe ich einen Artikel gefunden, der mich dann weiter geleitet hat und dort wiederum bin ich in einem Nebensatz auf Mellel gestoßen. Das teste ich nun gerade. Aber das am Rande. Vielleicht schreibe ich darüber ein ander' Mal.
Wie das ja so ist, intelligent aufgebaute Blogs, machen Werbung für andere Artikel und animieren dazu länger zu verweilen. So bin ich auch Zen To Done gestoßen. Imgriff bietet das Ebook von Blogger Leo Baubata in deutscher Übersetzung als  kostenlosen Download an.
Der Frühling steht ins Haus. Und ich bin in Neubeginn- Stimmung und ärgere mich sehr, dass ich immer noch so viele (wichtige) Sachen des Alltags nicht geregelt kriege. Depressiv, wie früher einmal bin ich dabei nicht. Meine Tage sind lang, mein Schlaf ist kurz, aber der Fokus ist oft falsch gelegt und dann ist wieder ein Tag vergangen an dem ich wichtige Post auf einen Stapel gelegt habe anstatt sie zu bearbeiten.
Zen To Done war jedenfalls das erste Ebook meines Lebens. Ich mag diese missionarische Art eigentlich nicht. Es hat für mich etwas von einer Sekte, die den Weg zum Erfolg gefunden zu haben scheint und die die Welt schwarz-weiß-malerisch in gut und böse einteilt. Aber hey, dafür ist es einfach und schnell zu lesen und - was viel wichtiger ist, auch für meinem eher komplizierten, weil ständig differenzierendem Intellekt - eine einleuchtende Sache.
Also - Neubeginn? Hoffentlich!

Since ages I start at least one new beginning a month. Some of them become into shape. But one thing is still holding me from huge success. I'm still a master in procrastination. Healing crystals can balance my energy level. But that's not enough to fullfill all my procrastinated challenges of a modern living. Bach Flower Essences and other Flower Essences can't help me to end this bad habits, too...
These days I found an interesting blog. Imgriff  is more a German online magazine than a blog. And it's about work, organization and efficiency. I have searched there an alternative software for Word. When I am writing large files, Office for Mac OS is not that brilliant. At least it's in constant trouble with formatting, and it also crashes a lot, which takes a lot of energy from me. The worst is, when important ideas must then be thought again ... So on Imgriff I found an article that I was then passed on and there I found a short sentence about Mellel. I test it now. Maybe I'll write about it another time.
As all intelligently structured blogs, Imgriff advertise their own content to  animate readers for a longer stay. And so I found Zen To Done. Imgriff offers the Ebook of Blogger Leo Baubata translated into German as a free download. 
Spring is knocking the door. And I'm in the mood for a new beginning and it's making me angry that there are still so many (important) things of everyday life I don't finish as they have to be done. I'm not depressed. My days are long, my sleep is short, but my focus is often set incorrectly, and then again a day has gone by where I put things on a stack of important things to do rather than editing it.
Zen To Done was certainly the first ebook of my life. I actually don't like this missionary style. For me, it looks like kind of a cult -  it's like "we have found the path to success" and the world is divided into  black and white, good and evil. But hey, it's fast and easy to read and - what's even more important for me and my constantly differentiating intellect - what's preached there is logical from up to down.
So - a new beginning? Hopefully!