I've loads of work to do. But since I feel a little failure two weeks ago my old problem appears. I don't do anything to get my work done. However I know, it's more than ordinary procrastination. It's not only that I don't work on important stuff or anything that could make that hill of work shorter, I eat fat and sweet, although I don't feel I wanna have it and I even feel it tastes absolutely bad. I also let my apartment to become an untidy place and don't go out to meet friends or do anything which could make me feel better like sports.
Well, in two weeks I tried 3 times to actually concentrate on my work, but that has been useless. I spent days in the office without writing one single line. I just feel I can’t concentrate.
And worst of all, I'm even too lazy to help myself. I don't look for Bachflower Essences or Healing Crystals. I also don't EFT on that problem (I tapped on another issue with great result in that time!) - Every day I don't do anything the amount of work I have to get done gets bigger and bigger.
No, it’s not that I don’t want to do anything against it. I make plans like: today I gonna tap on my lack of concentration, today I gonna tap on my bad mood, today I gonna tap on the fact that I eat food which is not good for me and I don’t like, today I gonna look for healing stones, today I gonna look for Bachflower essences, today I gonna go to gym…
And then: I’m too lazy to do. Sometimes I start and suddenly feel crazy tired.
I call this state semi-depressive. Because my behavior is similar to what it was when I was suffering from a deep depression years ago. The only difference is, that I still feel happiness, when I see my boyfriend for example, when I think on something. Happiness can be just like I just fall in love. So, I’d say, I’m not depressive.
So, before I write this, I made me a strong coffee. I did so a lot lately. And that’s pretty strange, as before I fell into this state of being I could help myself and my body with a Carneol (which actually made me work like crazy gave me so much energy until I almost couldn’t sleep anymore), I also tried EFT and it gives me so much concentration and even helps against my graving for sweets against boredom. I was so totally in my work! Until I found out, that I failed in a way. I had written a text before another text was published, but never published mine. Now there are way to many similarities… I just found out. And I have to deal with it.
So, what’s the points?
- I’m feared to fail.
- I feel I failed.
- I’m tired when I got enough sleep.
- I can’t concentrate.
- I sabotage myself by eating fat and sweet although I don’t like it and my making my environment not nice.
- I sabotage myself by not looking for a way out.
- My work feels overwhelming. But by doing nothing it’s getting more and more.